If you’re reading this right now, chances are you’re one of the few people who actually takes the time to read what I have to say, and you’re probably familiar with my style, which usually involves a general introduction to the context of the film’s release, followed by a general outline of the plot, followed by a general this and general that before finally getting down to specifics. It’s a long-winded process, but it’s one I’m comfortable with…. However, I’m going to break the mould a little to save you the trouble of sifting through my so-called generalized criticism to tell you exactly what I thought:

Ted is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

If you plan on watching it regardless of my opinion, or if you’ve seen it and you enjoyed it, please stop reading now. As much as I’d like to stick to what I usually do for the sake of continuity, I’m afraid this isn’t going to be a review, or even a systematic dissection of the film…. It’s going to be me taking out my frustration on my keyboard.

Why? Because like I said, Ted is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And yes, opinions, subjectivity, art is relative, blah blah blah, I know. But if you enjoyed this movie, I’m afraid I’ve lost respect for you. It isn’t at all fair, and it’s extremely hypocritical of me to say so, but sitting through this movie has made me put aside the relatively objective notion of respect for other people’s opinions, because of how harrowing the experience was for me.

Ted is an awful fucking movie, and it upsets me that other people actually enjoyed it. Yeah, you heard me. I don’t like the fact that other people found it funny, and I especially hate that my friend and I had to sit through the entire thing in utter disbelief at not only the garbage we were watching, but the fact that the entire theatre full of people were laughing and clapping like it was the greatest thing they had ever seen.

And yes, I’m fully aware of how awful all this sounds, but like I said, this is no longer a review, because I’m no longer typing objectively. As much as I speak out against the things I dislike, I’m honestly okay with other people liking them, no matter how base or stupid I find it. You can have your sparkling vampires and giant robots and Liam Neeson, but why on Earth would you ever enjoy a movie like Ted?

Sorry to backtrack, but if you enjoyed the movie and are still reading on, this is the last time I’m going to warn you to stop, because what I’m about to say is perhaps the most unkind rant I’ve written since Alice In Wonderland came out in 2010. So seriously, log off this page and enjoy the rest of your day, I’m just letting off some steam.

Okay? Okay. Back to what I was saying…. Ted is the worst excuse for a comedy I’ve seen in ages, and to make things worse, watching it while sitting amongst a group of people who enjoyed it actually made me hate the entire experience even more. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hated myself by the end of it. And it wasn’t because I had turned into some vile, twisted version of my former self that now hated other people’s enjoyment, it was because Ted, much like Alice In Wonderland and fucking Jack & Jill before it, is an ugly, obnoxious, and above all unavoidable statement about the state of modern cinema…. No wait, let me rephrase that. It’s a statement about the human condition, and how far we as a society have fallen recently.

Since Hollywood has become such a major part of our lives, it’s safe to say that we’ve come to live in a world where intelligence really doesn’t have a place anymore, and sheer stupidity is rewarded with applause and a $14 admission fee. As you’re probably aware, Ted is the story about a teddy-bear that comes to life, and becomes the lifelong best friend of a young boy until his adult years, when his relationship with the bear starts to cause complications in his romantic life. It isn’t actually a bad premise, in fact it’s one with a lot of potential. If somebody pitched that movie to me, sure, I might be reluctant at first, but I think I’d like to see it made.

So where’s the problem in all this? The problem is Seth Macfarlane. I’m sorry, say what you will about his success, but his contribution to this piece of garbage is now seared into my brain as one of the most awful things I’ve ever experienced in a theatre.

The central joke of the film is that Seth Macfarlane plays a talking teddy-bear. There’s nothing endearing about him, he’s an obnoxious little fuck who smokes weed and hires hookers who take a shit on his best friend’s carpet while playing truth or dare, a scenario that was met with roaring laughter and a thunderous applause. Are you beginning to see why I’m upset?

The film may have some kind of underlying story, but it’s masked by MacFarlane taking advantage of the almost no-holds-barred R-rating and making bad joke after bad joke after bad 80’s pop culture reference for the entirety of the film. The character of Ted is a racist, homophobic slob, Mark Wahlberg’s character is no better, Mila Kunis is just there to look pretty, and who the fuck am I supposed to like in this movie again?

And while this is the point where I usually say some part of the otherwise awful comedy was redeeming, but in the case of Ted, no such quality exists, and let me tell you a little bit about why. It’s because the so-called ‘jokes’ in this movie fed off an inherent sense of conditioned reactivity that, I’m sorry to say, the relatively unintelligent have gotten used to. Which leads to a slight dilemma in my mind, because I genuinely can’t decide what I hated more, the jokes themselves, or the people that found them funny.

If you’re offended by any of my remarks, it’s your fault for continuing to read on when I asked you not to. I’m not going to warn you again. Instead, I’m going to insult you. It isn’t the nicest thing to do, but I am pretty fucking pissed off right now. If you thought the humor in Ted was at all well thought out or intelligent, then I’m sorry, but you are an idiot. Because Ted is a film that panders to the basest majority. Think about six I.Q. points lower than the average intelligence, that’s probably how smart you have to be to HATE Ted. You have to have the basic comprehension skills of a five year old to be TOO SMART to find Ted funny. And so the fact that so many people enjoyed this piece of shit is not only baffling to me, but saddening. I don’t normally let my superiority complex show through my writing, but today, I couldn’t fucking care less.

And don’t think it’s because the jokes offended me. If there’s one thing I believe about comedy, it’s that no subject is taboo. I’ve laughed at my share of racist, sexist, and homophobic quips, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve laughed at far too many jokes about cancer and 9/11. But that’s because they were FUNNY. Simply having a teddy bear SAY the words “homo” and “nine-eleven” with little to no context (let alone a relevant one) does not constitute humor, it constitutes desperation. But then again, people laughed at it, so that must mean it was original and well thought out, right?

Wrong.

The film makes pop-culture and internet reference as often as humanly possible, in addition to fat jokes, gay jokes, jokes about anal sex, jokes about race and religion, jokes about every subject imaginable, but is never once funny.

I don’t care if you thought it was funny, I didn’t, and this is my review, not yours.

And if you’re about to turn around and tell me that not all films are meant to be ‘artistic’ and some films are just meant for ‘entertainment’ or some such nonsense because you think that’s where I’m going with this, then I’m sorry, but you really haven’t been paying attention to anything that I’ve been saying.

Comedies are supposed to entertain, but I didn’t laugh even ONCE. In fact, I’m pretty sure the movie made me cringe and slouch down in my seat more times than I can care to count. So don’t fucking tell me that I’m the problem because of my otherwise critical and analytical cinematic mindset.

Ted isn’t a fucking comedy. It’s a fourth-wall-breaking tragedy. It’s a movie that makes a mockery of both comedy, and cinema in general. And don’t tell me to calm the fuck down, because I’m not NEARLY done.

It’s a film that left me feeling not only insulted by its sheer lack of intelligence, but DEFEATED, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt as if I had just borne witness to a gigantic FUCK YOU to every self respecting cinema-goer and human being on the planet…. Luckily of course I was one of the few, because majority of the audience I watched it with can’t possibly have any dignity if they laughed at the sheer tripe presented in this absolutely vile piece of FUCK.

I’m not even making sense any more. There are only so many ways you can say FUCK YOU about a movie, and I’ve exhausted quite a number of them. In conclusion, I am SICK of being treated like a stupid little child. As an audience member, I am SICK of filmmakers believing that I belong to a group of people that will laugh at the mere mention of a celebrity, no matter the context. I’m sick of the fact that people, stupid people largely, but people nonetheless, are satisfied with movies that, for lack for better terminology, are fucking awful. And above all, I’m sick of the fact that audiences refuse to demand better.

But hey, if you’re satisfied with your own mediocrity, and are comfortable being treated like you lack basic intelligence, good for you. I don’t respect you, and I probably hate you, but I also envy you, because you have the ability to go through life never being disappointed…. But don’t forget, you’re what’s holding us back as a people. So fuck you, and fuck Ted